Making the Marriage Last
When your wife first arrives in Australia, everything is exciting. It’s so nice to wake up with her next to you instead of a big patch of emptiness. You get fussed over. You get things done for you. It’s all very sweet, and you’re floating on a cloud.
Enjoying this is easy. Making it last, this is the hard part!
We see lots of happy couples, but from time to time we hear back from clients from years back and we see them struggling. And sometimes I wish I could just shake them, because most of the time the problems are not real problems at all. They’re caused by their own stupidity and inflexibility. And it’s horrible to see, especially when we remember how much they struggled to get where they are only to see it start to wither. Let me share a few thoughts, and I hope it will help.
This is my view: You were given a special gift when you fell in love with your lady, and your wife was given the same gift when she fell in love with you. If you can’t see it like you did before, this is your fault.
The special gift is that you were able to see your loved one in a way that nobody else could. You probably used to find yourself wondering how all these people around her couldn’t see it like you could. You saw so much goodness in her. So much kindness. So much sweetness. Were you wrong? In some cases, yes. But if you were honest with yourself back then, yes you were completely correct. Others didn’t see it. You did. That was your special gift! In my view it’s a gift from God, and therefore something especially precious. You got to see someone the way God sees everyone, and He gave you a glimpse of what He sees all the time.
So stop and reflect. Think back. Remember what it was that you saw. Put your grumbling aside, and put your ego aside. Forgive the small things. Me? I’m so glad my wife has faults! Because she has to put up with plenty of my own faults, it’s only fair. Same with you? Yes, I would say so. Let them go, and remember what you saw before.
Now, for a few other important points, especially for the gents:
Making the right choice at the start!
Maybe this is too late in the game for you, but I’m hoping that some gents can read this before they make a poor decision!
Make sure you make a good decision right from the start! Sometimes, yes, the cliches of the “poor girl who will do anything for a good life” can be absolutely correct. She’s young….not very sophisticated….family is poor. Aussie man shows up. She thinks he’s a gift from God. She falls head over heels, and he can’t believe his luck. They marry.
Years go by. The memories of poverty fade. She takes another look, and thinks “What was I thinking??” The future is suddenly very bleak.
I had girls “fall in love” with me back in the 90’s. I knew they hadn’t really, because they didn’t even know me. If you use the head on your shoulders and push away the fog of romance (and horniness), you KNOW when somebody’s in love with you. You really do! And you know if there’s not enough substance. Sometimes you need to think for the girl, and you need to back off and do the right thing.
Wearing the Trousers
I’ve touched on this before, and I’ll touch on it again. Filipina ladies generally prefer their men to be men. If you let this go, someone has to wear the trousers. She will go against her nature and take the reins of the family rather than let it all fall apart. And if this happens, it’s YOUR fault…..not hers.
My wife works side by side with me in our Practice. She’s a great partner. But I continue to be the man in the drivers seat, and I make sure I take more on my shoulders than she does. It’s important for so many reasons.
1. It’s important for her. I remember when we moved here to the Philippines in 2010. I told her I was a bit worried that all would turn out fine. She told me that she was NOT worried, because I’d always provided for us and she had every confidence that I would continue to do so. It made me feel ten-foot tall, of course. But more importantly it meant that she felt safe and protected, as she richly deserves. That’s my job.
2. A man values himself by what he produces. That’s a man’s nature. If we don’t produce, we cease to value ourselves. Our self-esteem goes down. Our wife will pick up on our low self-esteem, and find it so much harder to respect us.
I’ve seen families where the Filipina wife comes home after a hard day working, only to find her husband (often an older man) watching TV in his underpants. She gets cranky with him because he hasn’t hung out the washing! There’s something very wrong with that picture. Don’t let it happen. Pick yourself up, and make yourself someone your wife can respect. Do that, and she will respect you. When she respects you, she gives you confidence. Things work well. Do the opposite, and you’re on a downward spiral.
Vasectomies…and inability to have children!
Maybe you had a vasectomy years ago? Maybe you feel you’re too old for having children? Women….especially young women…..want kids! Filipina ladies most definitely want kids. The hormones rage away and the desire to reproduce is very strong. Don’t kid yourself! Three points:
1. Don’t lie about it! If you don’t want kids, or if you CAN’T have kids due to having “the snip”, tell her right from the start. Give her a chance to back out. If you lie and she finds this out later, don’t expect her to laugh it off. She will probably leave you, and who could blame her?
2. Don’t believe any young woman who says “Oh, it’s OK if I don’t have kids.”! She may convince herself now, but it will come back to haunt her.
3. Consider marrying a single mum! If she’s already had kids, she will be far more understanding, and yes you CAN believe her if she says it’s OK. Plus, you get two (or three or four) in the one beautiful package (and not, I’m not using mail-order-bride thinking….it’s just a figure of speech.) More to love. And you’re giving a child (or children) a dad, which is a precious thing. Think about it!
Other Women: ie. “perving” at other women, looking at internet porn, etc.
Men can look at beautiful women, whether it’s that pretty young piece in the skimpy shorts, or whether it’s the porn on the net, and we don’t get emotionally involved. I know this. Men know this. Women? They GET emotionally involved before they “perv”. Therefore they do NOT get it. They never will. Get used to it!
When I was married before, I had a wife who didn’t care if I looked at other women, or even if I commented favourably about their various body parts. At the time I thought it was great. Little did I know it was basically because she didn’t value me. I found that out when I least expected it. I also suspect it was partially to cover up a guilty conscience too.
Jealousy is healthy in a normal relationship! If a lady values you, she will be jealous. She doesn’t want to lose you or share you with anyone. Once she doesn’t care about you perving, this is the day she stops valuing you. AND she’s a lady too! Try to understand this. Make comments about other women, or perv at nudie pics on the internet, and you will HURT her! Regardless of whether your intentions were harmless or not, you are HURTING her. Stop it!
No doubt I’ll add to this when it’s not after midnight like it is now. But please try to always understand each other. Forgive the small things. Understand that she is not you, and she looks at many things differently to how you do. Forget trying to defend yourself or to point fingers. If she’s hurting, your job is to care. And feel privileged if someone values you enough to be jealous. And always try to be the man she deserves. And remember that special gift you were given, and that vision and perception you had of that person and all their goodness. Never forget it!