Cultural Problems & Misunderstandings
How to stay happy and avoid unnecessary problems
This is an extremely important area. This is written from the perspective of helping couples (husbands, wives, fiancées & partners) from different cultural backgrounds to understand each other and not to waste too much time fighting over things they really don’t need to fight over. Despite this emphasis, we hope that this is also useful for anybody coming from the Philippines to Australia, and for those who will have a close relationship with a Filipino.
Despite the fact that you and your girl are obviously attracted to each other, you are both products of your own cultural upbringing. Despite the things you have in common, you both interpret the world around you through a different set of eyes and through different thought-processes. Remember that no culture has a monopoly on truth. And your Filipina girl marrying you does NOT mean she’ll suddenly become an Aussie girl. She will learn to adapt to your culture, but you at the same time need to learn to adapt to hers! Like all aspects of marriage, it is a two-way street.
It is NOT your job to “teach her the right ways to do things”. Our western, “white man’s” cultures have unfortunate histories of colonising and “civilising” the eastern and darker-skinned peoples, and this type of thinking is often more ingrained in our collective psyche than we would like to think it was. She has as much to teach you as you have to teach her. And in case it appears like I'm being overly critical of Filipino culture, note that I haven't mentioned all the positive things because positive things rarely cause problems.
So, make it your business to learn to understand your lady’s culture. And make sure you educate her in yours as well, because she’ll not only be living with you one day, she’ll be living within your culture too.
I want to deal with certain areas where you will probably end up clashing....ie. areas where the average Aussie thinks one way, and the average Filipina thinks the opposite.
Solutions? I’m going to mostly leave that up to you. We all have our own ways of fixing things. You will deal with these areas much better once you come to understand them in depth. And I hope we can help you to understand.
Independence versus Interdependence
Communication Styles – Directness versus Indirectness
Duty to Family....and Money Issues
"Helpful" Relatives....jealously, "crab mentality" and assorted bad advice
Religion Issues
Food Issues
Language Issues
Issues with Kids
The Male Eunuch....a victim of the burning bra
Issues for Long-Term Marriages
COMMON PROBLEM AREAS
Independence versus Interdependence
Filipino society is based around the needs of the community, especially the needs of the extended family. The needs of the many will always outweigh the needs of the individual. Filipino people live in very close proximity to each other, and are interdependent on each other rather than independent.
Filipino society is not a society of rugged individualists. Australian society, much like American society, evolved from brave and independent men who headed over the hills into the unknown, complete with axe, crowbar, shovel, rifle, horse and wife. They tamed vast mega-acres of harsh wilderness and raised families to live these same values. They did it by themselves, and they did it without relying on the help or charity of others. That independence became part of the national psyche, and it remains today.
Filipino society is based on interdependent family, extended family and pseudo-family kinship social groups. They descended from Malays who arrived in large boats known as balangay, and these small municipalities are still know as Barangay today. If somebody is in need, they go to their neighbours and ask for handouts which are mostly given willingly. And in turn, when somebody has an excess of something, they tend to share it with family and neighbours. Borrowing incurs an actual and a social debt known as utang na loob (or just utang), which is taken very seriously.
Favours, loans and general acts of kindness are never forgotten. All acts of giving contribute to utang, and thus the complex web of societal interdependence is woven. This includes acts of kindness and giving within families, even to parents for the act of raising their kids. This is why Filipinos feel a sense of duty to take care of parents and other family members who have done good things for them over their lives. An older brother or sister who paid for a university education, for example, is higher “up the rung” when it comes to choosing whom to help in later years when opportunities arise. Everyone remembers who did what for whom and when. In a western society, we feel shame at accepting charity. In Filipino society the shame comes from not remembering acts of charity.
Communication Styles – Directness versus Indirectness
As westerners, we tend to be fairly direct. Filipinos tend to be indirect and/or evasive. We tend to speak, and ask. Filipinos tend to observe and say little. We tend to confront. Filipinos tend to avoid confrontation, and they tend to tolerate more. We like to get to the bottom of things and thrash things out. Filipinos prefer to smile and laugh things off. Therefore we have an instant set of differences. We want to confront issues head-on, and this is often totally unfamiliar to Filipinos and can appear to them rude or even scary.
A friend just pointed out to me that Filipinos are often indirect because they try very hard not to cause offense. This is natural in an interdependent society where people depend on one another. So it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Yet Filipinos need to also be aware that westerners regard directness and honesty as being one and the same. Your intention may be to be tactful and not to cause offense, but that may be interpreted as evasiveness, dishonesty and an unwillingness to address and fix problems, ie. weak, irresponsible and spineless. You need to learn to see the intentions behind a westerner’s directness. It is rarely an attempt to cause offense, particularly in a marriage situation. Try to look at the meaning behind the behaviour, rather than to judge the behaviour by the standards of your own culture.
Duty to Family....and Money Issues
Again, think of interdependence rather than independence. The family is EVERYTHING to Filipinos. Filipinos don’t grow up and move out. If they DO move out, it’s quite normal for them not to move very far. Concepts of “privacy” and “needing their own space” are unheard of. The concept of “loneliness” is also unheard of.....so don’t knock it!
Respect for elders, especially older relatives, is an integral part of Filipino society. Interdependent rather than independent. Parents, aunties, uncles, older brothers and older sisters give advice and instruction readily, and this advice is expected to be followed. Never underestimate the opinions of peers and particularly of those in authority. Independent decision-making is rare! Older sisters, aka. "ate’s" carry a similar authority to mothers. And don’t expect authority to cease when Filipinos turn 18. Most 40 year olds will still jump to attention when given instructions by their parents
The difficulty comes when SOME families (or some family members) take advantage of the situation where sister/daughter/niece/grandchild marries the “rich westerner”. Interdependence and often utang will cut in, and they will think that naturally they are entitled to a share of the good fortune. Western concepts of standing on your own two feet and not taking charity, these don’t exist. Many relatives will assume it’s not only OK, but it’s their right to sit on their backsides and live on handouts for the rest of their lives.
You will need to learn to deal with this by yourselves. But remember that it is YOUR decision (you and your wife) as to what you do with your earnings. Forget all this “marry the girl and you marry the whole family” stuff. This is a matter of choice. It’s not an essential “part of the package”. If you’re not happy about it, then say so. This is the one area where most fights and problems come from. My advice is to sort out what you’re happy with before you even get married, and you stick to it. Make sure your girl understands that westerners have different views and expectations, and also make sure she knows you don’t have the backyard money-tree. Chances are you will have a mortgage to pay, kids to feed and educate, and your own retirement to think about, and you will NOT have neighbours and relatives you can run to when you run short.
Be mindful also that there exists some terrible poverty in the Philippines. If you have no money, you don’t eat. If you can’t afford medical care for your child, your child may be sent home to die. There are three people alive today only because of our own interventions. There are liars and opportunists who will happily take advantage of western dollars, but there are also many real cases of need, the likes of which we never see in Australia.
Filipinos need to be aware though that westerners tend to take a fair bit of adjustment to this type of thinking. We also have a similar code to the utang na loob code of social indebtedness, but most of us try to avoid indebtedness to start with. We take great pride in our independence, and our abilities to take care of ourselves on our own. We despise the person who relies even moderately on others, and give them the derogatory title of “bludger”. We avoid taking charity because we hate the loss of independence. And we have difficulty in understanding others not feeling the same way.
"Helpful" Relatives....jealously, "crab mentality" and assorted bad advice
You will discover that everyone is an expert in the Philippines. No one wants to admit they don't know something. And the more senior the family member, the more they're likely to give advice....even if they know nothing about it. Remember what I said about interdependence? It's normal for Filipinos and Filipinas to take advice from more senior family members, and not to question whether they know what they're talking about or not. This advice will involve visa application issues, and will also involve her relationship with you!
So be aware that you can help or hinder your relationship according to what impression you make on parents, aunties and older sisters particularly. So always treat these people well and treat them respectfully, and try to stay in the good books.
When it comes to advice regarding immigration issues, you really need to keep a firm hand on this. You need to keep well-meaning relatives out of the picture, or you may find your application hindered by fake documents or other short-cuts. You will also find yourself having to deal with scary stories she's been told, of wives being chained to kitchen floors and used as sex slaves, or the old classic of the husband taking out life insurance on the wife and then tossing her out the window. My wife was actually warned about this via a letter. (Fortunately for my wife our window was only 1 meter from the ground, so I couldn't have done much harm!)
But seriously, you simply must put your foot down when it comes to your visa application process. Rely on good advice (preferably from an experienced Migration Agent, and not from an online "chat" forum!), and insist that your lady do the same and NOT make what she is doing into an open topic for family discussion.
Jealousy and "Crab Mentality"
Jealousy is rife in the Philippines, and can get downright childish sometimes. Try to understand your lady's friends and relatives will consider that she has hit the jackpot in finding you (the wealthy foreigner), and in some the Green-Eyed Monster will be triggered. The Philippines is famous for Crab Mentality. Picture a basketful of crabs. As one starts to climb out of the basket, the others pull it back down again. Many a Filipino hates to see another one do better for themselves than they are.
So, be prepared for acts of sabotage!
Be prepared for the occasional friend or even family member to try to wreck your relationship or your chances of being together by destructive advice, or by gossip and backstabbing. You may get a letter from an unnamed relative telling you that your lady is cheating on you. Or she may have an auntie (maybe with a daughter the same age as your lady) who tells her she heard on good advice that you're a womaniser....or that you will surely murder her to claim insurance money, etc.
And remember that it's much easier for you to laugh this sort of thing off. For your lady to turn her back on her apparently well-meaning Auntie's advice will be difficult for her.
Religion Issues
The Philippines is a religious country. The population is 80 - 85% Catholic. And apart from generally remote Muslim population groups, most of the others are Christian of some persuasion or another. It’s probably the most Christian country on earth, in other words. Christianity and things-religious are part and parcel of the country and the culture. It’s not just a thing that’s done on Sunday. Even state schools have religion incorporated. Therefore, the Christian Faith, and most likely the Catholic Christian Faith is most likely going to be a big part of your girl’s life, and will be very close to her heart.
If you happen to be not religious, then you will find she will be OK about it....as long as you lead a fairly moral existence. Mind you, I’m referring more to Catholics who are fairly tolerant. Some of the girls belonging to the other Christian religions may expect you to be part of their Church, but you will know this in advance most likely. If you make fun of her Faith and her religion, you will hurt her. Teasing and poking fun at her, her practices, her books, her crucifixes and statues, or her going to Church....you will hurt her.
You will find she will take wonderful care of you, and will be very supportive of you and the things that matter to you. Showing patience and support and understanding of her religious beliefs will be an excellent way of paying her back for some of this support. If you can drive her to and from the Church, this would be a very good thing. If you can even attend at Easter and Christmas, this will be better still. Catholic Churches particularly are very understanding of those who come along just to make family members happy, and no one will pounce on you and try to “convert you”, rest assured. Just show respect when you are in the Church, and do not actively participate in the receiving of the Sacraments if you are not Catholic yourself.
If you DO happen to be a religious man yourself, then all the better. However, if you are of a different religion, do not try to “convert” her either!
Food Issues
In Australia, we are accustomed to different foods. We are used to going out to restaurants and asking “Shall we have Chinese? Indian? Italian? Lebanese? etc etc...”. Filipinos are not. They are a bit like Australians in the 1950’s who lived on “meat and three veg”, and couldn’t cope with anything different. Chances are your girl hasn’t eaten a broad range of different foods, therefore her tolerance for different foods will probably be very limited. Plonking her down to lamb chops and mashed potato will most likely be a problem for her. And force-feeding her vegemite will probably make her vomit.
Those of you who have been to the Philippines will be aware that food means: rice plus something else. If they are very poor, it may mean: rice plus nothing, much of the time. The keyword is RICE. She will crave rice, and she will crave it at every meal....including breakfast.
Just be understanding of her needs, especially when she first arrives. But you need to also make sure she knows how people eat in Australia, or she will have problems. If 6 – 12 months after she arrives she cannot eat a meal without rice, you will find this will be a huge restriction on your lives. You will be limited in where you can go and where you can visit. If you have to pre-warn friends that there must be a fresh pot of steamed rice and a selection of fried fish waiting for you, you will soon run out of friends. You won’t even be able to visit Ronald McDonald! Give and take! Your diet should change, and so should hers.
Language Issues
Everyone in the Philippines (who has been to school) has been taught English. English is the second language of the country. All street sights are in English. Products in shops have labels in English. You can survive in the Philippines without speaking a word of Tagalog.
However, English is NOT the language of choice, and the ordinary everyday conversations of ordinary people take place in Tagalog, or whatever regional dialogue is spoken in the area. The less sophisticated, the less educated and the less rich the person is....and the further from Manila you get...the less that person will be comfortable in conversational English.
And most important to understand......no one learns how to speak or understand Aussie Mumble!
Aussies mutilate the English language. We pronounce words strangely. We run words into each other and make entire sentences sound like single (long) words. Entire letters are slurred away into oblivion. Our adenoids share the job that vocal chords were meant for. And we “swallow our words”, as the locals are fond of saying. No crisp and clear pronunciation for the Aussie. No way mate! And our poor girls have to try to decipher our mumbling drawl.
She will get used to it in time. In the short term? Speak slowly. Speak clearly. Try to rediscover the sounds of letters we have long considered superfluous. And encourage her to actually TELL you when she doesn’t understand you, or other Aussies.
The strangest thing is that she will walk into this strange world of mumblers and language-mutilators, and SHE will feel shy to talk because of HER “poor English”.
And here comes the first problem.
Filipinos will avoid talking to people, or even making eye-contact when they feel shy. To an Aussie, that is a sign of rudeness or contempt.
You will need to explain this to her, as this will cause unnecessary offense and misunderstandings with your friends and with relatives, who will think she is being aloof or ignorant. Ever wondered why, when you visited, there seemed to be so many relatives who simply ignored you? They did this because they felt embarrassed about their poor English. It had nothing to do with not liking you. You will have to explain this to her until she gets it, otherwise feelings will be hurt.
Second problem?
Talking in Tagalog in front of English speakers!
I hate this with a passion, personally! I have relatives in the provinces. I don’t visit any more. Why? Because (a) they won’t speak to me because they’re shy about their poor English, and (b) they speak in Tagalog (or in the local Bicolano dialect) in front of me, despite the fact they could speak in English if they tried. Try spending two weeks where the only people who speak to you are your wife and kids, and only when they get a chance to? Not nice! You feel completely in the dark.
Remember what I said about Filipinos growing up without being exposed to different foods? They also grow up not being exposed to speakers of different languages. You may be the first person they ever met who didn’t understand their language. It’s a new situation. No point of reference. So therefore they continue as they always have, and take the path of least resistance. You may be more tolerant than me, but you WILL feel left-out. And later on when you have a house full of chattering Tagalog-speaking ladies, you will probably feel cranky.
Set some ground-rules. Insist on some good manners, or you will soon run out of Australian friends and relatives who wish to visit. But at the same time, show some flexibility. If she’s off chattering to her mate in the kitchen in Tagalog whilst you’re watching TV, who cares what language she speaks in? And if you have a group of English-speaking chaps sitting out the back having a chat, and the ladies are inside discussing the joys of dried fish, who cares what language they speak in?
However, you need to encourage her to speak English as much as possible, because she is now living in an English speaking country. And Aussies can have this annoying and patronising habit of treating those with less-than-perfect English as being dumb and childlike. Don’t let this happen to her. Whilst it’s fun and cute for you to learn Tagalog, her learning English has more practical benefit. If she stays at home watching The Filipino Channel, and only socialising with Filipinas, the years will go by and she will remain a “foreigner” in her adopted country.
Issues with Kids
HUGE can of worms! We all love our kids, and we take our parenting very seriously. If you have kids, or if your lady is a single mum with kids, then you will have things you need to deal with. One thing is for certain and that is that NO kid will feel obligated to change and adjust to suit the situation. After all it wasn't THEIR idea that mum (or dad) married this person. But they are human beings too, and their feelings matter. And as a decent man, you have to make sure they feel safe, secure, loved and accepted as quickly as you can.
Filipino kids
Filipino kids will generally have an innate respect for adults, so you generally won't have to deal with surliness or backchatting. But you will have other issues to deal with.
And please don't toss the baby out with the bathwater! I'm emphasizing problems here, but that's because no one has to "deal with" or fix something that's good. Try to identify the things in the child's upbringing (eg. respect for elders) which are good, and don't encourage the child to swap them for negative traits, just because they are Aussie-kid things. Aussie society is becoming increasingly permissive when it comes to raising kids, and (in my opinion at least) it can have some very negative results.
On that topic of respect, note that Filipino kids are accustomed to having to treat adults with respect. They may not have the same table manners, and they may initially make a mess in the bathroom, but they generally won't be surly or cheeky. And they will have grown up envious of other kids who had a dad at home. They need a dad, and a dad is what you need to become. They don't need an "Uncle Steve", or a large and hairy schoolmate-impersonator. If you let them do as they wish, with no rules, they'll lose all respect for you and will run wild. So make sure you talk about these issues with your wife-to-be, and present a united front.
You will have the language issue. Chances are that, just like mum, the child will have been taught English at school, but will speak Tagalog or the local dialect by way of preference. The child will have as much difficulty with Aussie mumbling as any other Filipino, and may not understand much unless you make a strong effort to speak clearly. And be prepared for the kid-habit of saying YES when you ask "Did you understand?" even if he/she understood nothing at all.
We brought our young daughter to Australia a number of years ago. I married a single mum myself, so I've been there and done that! Now, some may disagree with this, but we made a strict rule of English-only speaking in the house. The only time her mum would revert to the local Bicolano dialect would be if our daughter really didn't understand something. Within 6 months she spoke perfect English. In less than a year she had an Aussie accent you could cut with a knife! No one at school believed she came from overseas. Kids are wonderfully adaptable. But don't hold them back by not encouraging them. If you have a shy child with a language refuge at home, he/she may have trouble fitting in at school. Better to toss them in at the deep end and let them swim.
And also keep in mind that you as a new dad need to quickly become the second parent, and an equal parent. You won't do this if mum and child have their own secret little world they can disappear into. You will have no end of problems if this happens. The child may resent you, and you may end up resenting the child. Make sure that language is not a barrier.
And keep firmly in mind that kids at school can be very cruel. If a kid sounds "funny", they can make the child into an outsider. There were times when they made fun of my daughter for weird pronunciation. And this was one more reason why I turned up the pressure on her English improvement, and it paid off. Life moves forward and not backward. Despite what people say about advantages of second languages, being completely fluent in the language of your homeland is far more important. And Australia will be the new homeland of your new son or daughter.
Food issues will also come up. They will be the same issues as you will have with their mum. Give and take!
But I have to say that the Filipino diet, especially for kids, is often appalling. Kids are usually fed mountains of white rice, with little scraps of fatty meat and little or no vegetables. It's common to find Filipino kids, even from average families who can afford proper food but lack the knowledge, suffering malnutrition. Kids of 3 or 4 years old have rotting and grey-coloured teeth because of calcium deficiencies. There is often a very low resistance to whatever "bug" is going around. Kids are generally allowed to choose the food that THEY want to eat, and because it's often fairly bland they don't eat very much. And shrunken stomachs have low capacities anyway.
We have three kids. Two of them adopted. They all arrived with hollow cheeks and legs like sticks. We reduced the rice intake to about 1/3. We supplied about the same quantity of vegetables and same quantity of meat as the rice intake. They attained healthy weights and stopped getting sick within weeks. And they probably eat about double the previous quantity these days. Please do the same! Fill the plate for them. Say "finish what's on the plate". Problem solved. And reduce the junk snack food, and have a ready supply of fruit on hand.
Wussiness can be a problem. Filipino kids are often babied. Remember the point about lack of independence? It starts from childhood. 7 year olds can still drink out of baby bottles. 8 year olds can still sleep in the same bed as mum, and be terrified to sleep by themselves. A 13 year old may still have mum fussing over them at the dinner table. I met someone with a 7 year old who, after arriving in Australia, was happy to be pushed around in a baby stroller. How to deal with it? Patiently! You'll have to deal with mum first, to make sure she can see that giving a kid a sense of pride in their independence is not an unloving thing to do.
The sleeping alone issue is a major one, and should be dealt with ideally before the child arrives in Australia. If you have the chance, try to bring it up before they even come to Australia. You REALLY don't need an 8 or 9 year old in your bed! You definitely do not want a 13 year old in your bed either. Apart from the fact that you and your wife need time for romantic things, you simply can't have kids in your bed in Australia. Yes, it's considered quite normal in the Philippines. But in Australia we relate "sleeping with" somebody with having sex. One inkling getting out at your child's new school about him/her "sleeping with" anybody, and you'll have welfare people bashing down your door. And this includes siblings sleeping together too, remember.
Fear of aswangs, wak waks, onggus, white ladies, hairy men who smoke cigars and live in trees....these sorts of beliefs are common in the Philippines, especially amongst the less sophisticated provincial people. Hard to stop kids being terrified of creepy things in the night if their parents also believe this rubbish. You won't be able to deal with the sleeping-alone issue until you can deal with this fear. Otherwise you'll have a terrified kid! I had to deal with this one. Fortunately her mum had ceased to believe in this nonsense, otherwise I wouldn't have had a hope. I used a combination of humour, with logical reminders that there are no photographs existing of flying aswangs, and that there are no clothing stores for aswangs, and that there are no aswang-food aisles in the supermarket. It took a few months, but we got there.
When should the child come to Australia?
Your wife will have culture shock when she comes to Australia. She will also have to adjust to being married and living with you, as you will have to adjust to living with her. She may freak out a few times. She may cry. She will miss her family, her previous home, her previous lifestyle and all she was familiar with. You need to have time and space to deal with these things. You'll also be in this blissfully romantic state where you'll want to be together all the time, and no doubt will spend a lot of time having mummy-and-daddy-cuddles.
It's not fair on a child to have them trying to adjust to their new life while mum is doing the same and no one has the time to devote to helping THEM adjust. The child will not feel secure if mum is having a wobbly, or if she finds mum sobbing in the kitchen because she doesn't know how to cook lamb chops.
Strongly consider you leave the child with granny in the Philippines for at least 3 months! Make sure that you and your wife are able to give the child the attention they need and deserve when they arrive.
Aussie kids and all kids
And I sincerely hope that you start your whole process of your new life without the step-parent concept. I started off my relationship with my wife stating that I was a single dad, and that I expected our family to be a real and complete family. She would be a mum to my kids, and I would be a dad to her daughter. No "your kids/my kids" thinking. My daughter called me Daddy from the day I met her when she was 4 years old. Fortunately she never knew another father-figure, but I would have still insisted on this. And I also made it clear to my sons that Mila was not a guest in the house. She spoke with my authority, and that if she spoke then they should obey her as if her words were mine. Establish ground-rules with your wife and with all kids right from the start, otherwise they'll soon become a wedge between you. You can't have any "don't speak to MY child like that" or "you're not my father" attitudes if you want to become a fully functioning family.
With any kids of your own, no doubt they will feel that they're being invaded. They will resent changes. They will resent somebody taking up their dad's time and attention. Deal with them patiently but firmly. Your relationship with your wife must be paramount. Your kids will grow up and move out. Your wife won't. Yes, you should put your kids basic needs first. That's normal. But your loyalty and your solidarity must be firmly with your new life-partner. Make sure the kids understand this. The longer you've been a single-dad family, the harder this will be. And the same will apply to your wife if she's been a single mum for a long time.
The Male Eunuch....a victim of the burning bra
This is really more of a Western-stemmed cultural problem than a Filipino problem. Filipinos and Filipinas themselves have very little problem in this area, but the mentally-castrated male can have all sorts of problems. And this can and will affect the relationship.
I've already partially covered this topic at the start of the Myths and Cliches page, but I'll elaborate on what problems it can cause.
Western men have spent the last 40 years under a cloud of guilt. When we try to be decisive, strong, reliable or merely by breathing, we risk being patriarchal and dominating. "Male" has almost become something of a swear word, eg. "That's just so male!", and "discovering our feminine side" is apparently always a positive thing. We're even supposed to believe that having a visit from the Queer Eye for Straight Guy people can fix all our testosterone-induced problems. And every soap opera tells you that wife and kids are the smart ones who hold the moral high-ground, and dad is a buffoon. And don't forget the bad dad in movies who can't take Joey camping, or watch Jenny's trombone recital because he has to work late all the time (to PAY for the tent and the trombone).
So what do we get? Men scared to be men. He visits his girl in the Philippines. He agrees to everything. He has no opinion about anything, lest he be accused of being patriarchal and dominating. When the relatives try to take advantage, he meekly opens his wallet. He's proud of his cooking skills and his willingness to share the household chores (or even to do most of them). And he's also scared of being a racist, therefore he surrenders his cultural identity and conditioning to hers. Whatever she wants, she gets. And this only becomes more bizarre when he's 20 or so years older than her. (And no, I have no problem with age-gaps, but I do have problems seeing mature men losing their dignity).
She, on the other hand, has grown up in a society where men are men and women are women.....and unlike us enlightened westerners, they're quite happy with this scenario. Men in the Philippines don't want to discover their feminine side, and girls are happy to be girls. They expect their man to be masculine. They don't have a problem with him relaxing over a few beers at the end of a hard day, and they're happy to make him dinner and wash up the dishes afterwards. No, again, they're not slaves or "trained to please men". They have little time for tyrants and insensitive clods, but they are happy that their man wears the trousers. They WANT him to take care of them and protect them, and they EXPECT that he has an opinion and has the @@ to express it. They never dreamed of a "Queer Eye" graduate for a husband!
And I'm not in any way suggesting that you become a tyrant. This is not about getting your own way. They say that a smart man makes the major decisions in his family.....but he makes sure the decisions he makes are the ones his wife will be happy with. Or more directly, it means he remembers that he's making the decisions that will bring about the right outcomes for the betterment of his family, and is highly mindful of his wife's opinions. But it's a known fact that men are better at handling tough decisions and situations, and that women are better at fine details. Men are more logical, and women more emotional. Rather than anybody apologising for their nature, or anybody blaming anybody for being "so male", isn't it better to simply respect and enjoy each others strong points? Those areas that your wife is better at? Leave her to it, and don't fight for supremacy. And if she's Filipina, she will normally let you be yourself and to do what you do well.
However, if you act like a Male Eunuch, or a doting, spineless jellyfish whom she can't rely on or respect, then don't blame her if she takes over and becomes dominant herself. Respect is something that needs to be earned.
And don't be scared to speak your mind. Your have a mind. You have intelligence and experience. Use it! If she has an idea that you don't agree with.....one that will affect your relationship or your future? Then TELL her!
Don't give more money to relatives than you're happy with.
Don't try to sponsor relatives if you're not really happy to do so.
Don't put off her immigration because her mother doesn't want her to leave, if you're not happy with it.
Don't just agree to a wedding in the Philippines rather than Australia simply because it's what she wants, if you actually feel strongly otherwise.
Don't wait three years before you apply for her to immigrate, because her parents want her to finish her university studies first, if you feel strongly otherwise.
Don't have your bed full of 7yr old and 8yr old children if you don't agree with this.
Don't change your entire diet to Filipino food, while she makes no dietary changes whatsoever. Just because our white ancestors mindlessly trampled any Asian culture they came into contact with, this is no reason for you to make up for their past sins.
TALK about things. Start your relationship off with joint-decisions, and make sure you BOTH do plenty of compromising. That's what good marriages are built on, and it will ensure you have a close relationship (where BOTH of you are happy and fulfilled) for many years to come.
Issues for Long-Term Marriages
